Do I Want To Live Like This?

Well this has not been a fun day. There are certain days that a woman looks forward to in her life. One is her wedding day; one is the birth of her children...and then when her children grow up...she looks forward to helping her daughter choose her prom dress and then her wedding gown...she looks forward to grandchildren...etc.

Well when a MAN ruins one of those days by acting like a big baby because everything is not going according to "his" plan...it can really piss a woman off.

Seriously, I don't know why I even bother. I told him tonight, that was IT. We would not be shopping together ever again. My daughter still has not chosen a dress and when she does it will be with me and a friend or relative of my choosing. One who will realize that a young woman only gets a couple of chances to be a princess in her life...sometimes not even that many. I have never been a princess...not even once...damned if my daughter won't get to be!!

Anyway...I also have an opportunity to become a level one Reiki Master...I'm trying to decide whether to do this. It's a lot of money but I could do it in installments...I guess the question is...do I dare spend the money on something I want when I have so many bills or would that be selfish...or maybe the real question is, "Am I worth it?" I haven't figured it out yet. He tells me that's fine...but I should buy him some rum too...I'm sure he felt he was joking...but I know better...

Bosses...Bleh

Well what a week this has been. I am pretty good at my job. It's one of the things I pride myself on. But lately the job I love, has become the job I hate. I have a new boss and we just don't seem to click. I'm trying not to be too sensitive about it...but it's not working.

It's a new job compared to what I was doing, so there were new things to learn and new responsibilities and frankly I think I've handled it all quite well. The training was sketchy at best; but I've caught on.

Well for whatever reason this woman seems to be very critical about everything I do. I know I don't bow down to her the way some of them do but I've always tried to be respectful and if I ask questions, it isn't to tick her off, but I'm not taking the fall for something if I believe she's wrong. Anyway...Friday I lost it and ended up crying to the male boss I had before.

He's wonderful and was very supportive. I have no designs on him or anything, he's just a terrific boss.

But I don't know what I'm going to do about this woman. I understand some of the criticism but would it kill her to throw me a bone now and then too.

Of course to top it all off, I can't even quit. I need this job too much. Guess I could look for another one but what's the chance that it would pay as well....I just don't know what to do. Any ideas how to better get along with this woman?

Last Blog of 2009

Well I just finished watching Julie and Julia...it was amazing. I loved it! I wish I could find a passion for this blog that she has for hers. I think I need a project for 2010. I wonder what it could be. Any suggestions?

I need something to get me out of my own life and my own head.

I'm glad to see this year come to a close. It has been filled with more heartache than happiness and more strife than life. I am trying to be positive about 2010. It's a whole new year, filled with possibilities. Now I just have to figure out what to do with it.

Winter Approaches

Well Sanheim has passed and we're on our way to Yule/Christmas. I confess I haven't been feeling very spiritual lately. It seems as though the material world is getting in the way.

It's all about trying to put food on the table and pay the bills. I hate that. That's not the me I wish to be. I want to be able to concentrate on ritual and friends and loved ones and crafts and all the things I enjoy.

Instead I find myself worrying about whether the power will be shut off this month and how much I will have to lie to the finance company to get them to leave me alone for a few more weeks.

Walking is extremely difficult these days with my bad knee. The doctor is talking about surgery, but frankly I just can't take the time off work.

I started taking Slimfast hoping that I might be able to lose a few pounds and help my knees. We'll see if it works.

The first of the winter snows have appeared. I don't look forward to this time of year. It can be beautiful with the snow and ice on the trees, but I'm a warm weather girl. When the earth no longer is warmed by the sun I just want to hibernate until it does again. I don't like the darkness and the cold.

Today I promise myself that I will try to do things for me...honor the God and Goddess...make a craft...grind some herbs...something that might make me feel more alive.

I Thought It Would Be Different

Trying to stay positive but that's not always easy. He said we would stay in bed Sunday and cuddle and make love and relax, getting up whenever we felt like it...but of course when Sunday came it didn't happen.

I stayed in bed long after I was awake. I didn't want to give him any reason not to have this happen. But when he woke up he just decided to get up. I mentioned what he said and he just didn't feel like it. He never feels like it. I don't know why I bother to even think it will ever be any different. I'm just fooling myself.

I know I shouldn't get mad at him...but I do. I'm a young woman and it's just not fair. I foolishly didn't think it would be like this...I thought we were past all that. But I was wrong. I know it shouldn't be so important...but it is.

Oh my goodness! I had such an amazing day! Met a new friend and we have so much in common. It's wonderful. We're just scratching the surface of course but she's interested in so many of the same things I am; Wicca, Buddhism, volunteering, gemstones, herbs etc etc. She's also happy and fun and easy to get along with. I like making new friends.

We had lunch and talked for hours. It was the best day I've had in a long time. I can't wait until we get together again.

Thursday is Coffee Day

Well Thursday is coffee day. We're supposed to meet and have coffee...get to know each other. I want to get to know her, she seems interesting...but sometimes I miss my old friends, my old life.

I've tried going back though and I'm just not that person anymore. It made me ill to even try to fit into that mold.

She's exciting though. A Buddhist, sexy, involved in so many causes and things I would never dream of. So outgoing...but who knows if we even have anything in common. I guess we'll see.

I feel like such a fraud sometimes though. Just fat and insecure and incapable of a real emotion. I can't even interest my own husband. Why do I think a woman would be any different?

I don't even know if I really care. Really...all I want is my husband...I want him to want me...I don't know as I have any great yearning for another woman. I'm not adverse to it and I've long ago got over any religious problems with it...maybe I'm scared I'll really enjoy it...right now I would just enjoy anyone's touch frankly.

I never thought life would be like this. I sometimes wonder if I'm being punished...