Last Blog of 2009

Well I just finished watching Julie and Julia...it was amazing. I loved it! I wish I could find a passion for this blog that she has for hers. I think I need a project for 2010. I wonder what it could be. Any suggestions?

I need something to get me out of my own life and my own head.

I'm glad to see this year come to a close. It has been filled with more heartache than happiness and more strife than life. I am trying to be positive about 2010. It's a whole new year, filled with possibilities. Now I just have to figure out what to do with it.

Winter Approaches

Well Sanheim has passed and we're on our way to Yule/Christmas. I confess I haven't been feeling very spiritual lately. It seems as though the material world is getting in the way.

It's all about trying to put food on the table and pay the bills. I hate that. That's not the me I wish to be. I want to be able to concentrate on ritual and friends and loved ones and crafts and all the things I enjoy.

Instead I find myself worrying about whether the power will be shut off this month and how much I will have to lie to the finance company to get them to leave me alone for a few more weeks.

Walking is extremely difficult these days with my bad knee. The doctor is talking about surgery, but frankly I just can't take the time off work.

I started taking Slimfast hoping that I might be able to lose a few pounds and help my knees. We'll see if it works.

The first of the winter snows have appeared. I don't look forward to this time of year. It can be beautiful with the snow and ice on the trees, but I'm a warm weather girl. When the earth no longer is warmed by the sun I just want to hibernate until it does again. I don't like the darkness and the cold.

Today I promise myself that I will try to do things for me...honor the God and Goddess...make a craft...grind some herbs...something that might make me feel more alive.

I Thought It Would Be Different

Trying to stay positive but that's not always easy. He said we would stay in bed Sunday and cuddle and make love and relax, getting up whenever we felt like it...but of course when Sunday came it didn't happen.

I stayed in bed long after I was awake. I didn't want to give him any reason not to have this happen. But when he woke up he just decided to get up. I mentioned what he said and he just didn't feel like it. He never feels like it. I don't know why I bother to even think it will ever be any different. I'm just fooling myself.

I know I shouldn't get mad at him...but I do. I'm a young woman and it's just not fair. I foolishly didn't think it would be like this...I thought we were past all that. But I was wrong. I know it shouldn't be so important...but it is.

Oh my goodness! I had such an amazing day! Met a new friend and we have so much in common. It's wonderful. We're just scratching the surface of course but she's interested in so many of the same things I am; Wicca, Buddhism, volunteering, gemstones, herbs etc etc. She's also happy and fun and easy to get along with. I like making new friends.

We had lunch and talked for hours. It was the best day I've had in a long time. I can't wait until we get together again.

Thursday is Coffee Day

Well Thursday is coffee day. We're supposed to meet and have coffee...get to know each other. I want to get to know her, she seems interesting...but sometimes I miss my old friends, my old life.

I've tried going back though and I'm just not that person anymore. It made me ill to even try to fit into that mold.

She's exciting though. A Buddhist, sexy, involved in so many causes and things I would never dream of. So outgoing...but who knows if we even have anything in common. I guess we'll see.

I feel like such a fraud sometimes though. Just fat and insecure and incapable of a real emotion. I can't even interest my own husband. Why do I think a woman would be any different?

I don't even know if I really care. Really...all I want is my husband...I want him to want me...I don't know as I have any great yearning for another woman. I'm not adverse to it and I've long ago got over any religious problems with it...maybe I'm scared I'll really enjoy it...right now I would just enjoy anyone's touch frankly.

I never thought life would be like this. I sometimes wonder if I'm being punished...

Friends

I have wonderful friends. Some old friends that have stuck by me through everything in my life and some new friends who I am excited to spend time with and learn more about.

My friends are very unique. They come from all walks of life, all religions, all ages, all backgrounds and they are all so special. Each one brings a unique view of life to our friendship and I love that about them.

I have some polyamorous friends, some in a monogamous relationship, some in an open relationship; some heterosexual, some homosexual, some bi-sexual; some well off, some not, some Christian, some Wiccan, some Buddist and probably a bunch of other things I can't remember.

I guess maybe most people would think it's weird that I associate with so many different people but it keeps life interesting. :)

Holidays

Ok this is a definite rant. I'm tired of well meaning Christians telling me how grateful I should be this time of year and how thankful they are with what they have.

Well you know what; I'm not thankful...I'm resentful. Resentful that society tells us we have to have these "grand" meals to show we're thankful we're alive and have great friends and family. Well of course I'm thankful about that. But I also make 22,000 a year and I'm supporting a family on that and have creditors calling me every day. I'll be THANKFUL if they don't call and embarrass me on Thanksgiving this year.

I want to be a good hostess and I want to enjoy the day the way I used to; but when I know I am feeding people who can feed themselves better than I can....just makes me resentful. So if I'm going to hell for not being thankful enough, so be it. Maybe if god's listening he could throw me a little cash to be thankful about.

Fairytales

Well what castle would be complete without a fairytale?! Isn't it funny how women all grow up thinking they need a prince to come rescue them and men all grow up thinking they need to know how to slay a dragon.

That's not the truth at all. I don't need a prince to rescue me or a father to protect me...I simply need a man to love me. To be by my side...to take turns rescuing each other...being there for each other. I used to think I needed rescuing but that was before I realized no one was coming...before I realized that I needed to be my own rescuer.

I know how to slay the dragons...I've had 43 years to figure it out...but I don't like riding in the coach alone.

My husband is the love of my life and there are times he does rescue me emotionally and times he does protect me...but there are times that I do that for him as well. It seems to work out well.

So it may be fun to be a "fairy princess" but princesses grow up to be the Queen and the Queen is very able to run the castle or at least c0-reign. And I would rather have my daughter learn to be a Queen than a fairy princess anyday.

The Castle

Well I had a friend who suggested I start this blog to get things off my well endowed chest. LOL So I will give it a try.

So I'm a 40+ woman with a weird life. Probably nothing that most people would find that interesting. But then again, who's to say what people find interesting nowadays.

I don't know where to start so I guess I'll start at the present and work my way backwards and forwards as the days go by. Try to keep up. :)

Right now my little 3 bedroom apt castle is pretty full. Me, my husband, my teenage daughter and our two cats. Some days I would love to be able to find a private corner to have a breakdown in but it's just not meant to be.

I want a house so bad; with space...a yard...two bathrooms...a real room for my office (not my bedroom)...a guest room...and those are just the regular things I want. Then there are the more outrageous things. I want a jacuzzi in the bedroom. I want a wrap around porch. I want a fenced in backyard for the dog I'm not allowed to have here. I want a sky light in my bedroom.

But you know what I have...more bills than I have paycheck. A husband who can't work in this country yet, a daughter who wants to go to University and a mother who would spend her whole old age pension on lottery tickets if I didn't keep an eye on her.

Don't get me wrong; I love my family. I haven't got any major health problems and I know there are more important things than money...but sometimes I would like to not have to worry about money so I could discover them. :)